Oh Baby

Baby 3 is a BOY! My husband and I are very excited. Both Baby 1 and Baby 2 are girls... so it's about time we get some testosterone in the family. My poor husband has been outnumbered.

Baby Boy looks great so far. The ultrasound on Friday went well... sort of. I am currently at 19 weeks and have been waiting patiently to find out the sex of the baby. The ultrasound tech went over all of the photos and explained what everything was... our baby wasn't shy about showing off who he was. :) The tech went over the heart several times... this always stresses me out and I get worried that something is wrong. Diabetics do have a higher risk of having babies with heart problems and other birth defects. If being diabetic wasn't stressful enough for myself...

During my adolescent years... the control of my diabetes wasn't great. This shouldn't be too surprising... most of my friends who are diabetic share the same story. But as soon as I was married and my husband and I decided to have children, that's when reality set in. I was more concerned about the health of my baby than myself... It took some retraining for myself and I got my blood sugar levels to where they should be. Although, the stress of trying to conceive probably didn't make it any easier... more on that to come.

So after the tech went over everything from the ultrasound she went to grab the doctor. Now... I wasn't sure how I'd react because I knew I didn't like this guy. I had met him once before with Baby 2... and I had left their office in tears. I couldn't even compose myself. He had made me feel so low, so worthless... so unimportant. He made me feel like I wasn't trying my best, that I didn't care and that he knew everything. I had never encountered a doctor like him before in the 20 plus years I've been diabetic. He left a lasting impression that I will never forget.

I really didn't want to see this doctor and had tried to change the appointment prior to another one. The timing and scheduling unfortunately didn't work out to my benefit. I figured I would give this guy one more chance. Now... I see several doctors, so maybe we should give him a name so we don't confuse him with any of the better doctors out there. We'll call him Dr. Pompous. That suits him. I could probably think of some better names, but we'll stick with that one. :)

Dr. Pompous walked in. He didn't remember us, which was fine. He shook our hands and introduced himself. He asked me a million questions about my diabetes, but phrased them in the most technical medical terms, that I honestly didn't know what he was asking on some of them. Not because I'm stupid, but I had never had any other doctor phrase the questions that way. I wasn't familiar. I didn't go to medical school... I know the basics and what I need to do, but if you start throwing unfamiliar medical terms at me, I won't know how to answer. And of course, when I question him on what he's asking, he gives a sly smirk and a little chuckle... like "oh... I forget you poor uneducated people don't know what I'm talking about because I'm so important and smart..." That was the vibe I was getting. He did that last time too.

At one point, he asked a question and I'm sure my husband could tell I was getting frustrated. So my usually quiet, calm, passive husband chimed in. "Well... actually, you insulted her last time, so..." Boy, was I so proud of him at that moment. Not only did he speak up, but he was defending me and supporting me. Love that sweet man.

"Oh, did I?" Dr. Pompous responded. So I said my piece. "Yes, you presented yourself last time very... rudely and I left crying. Your bedside manner is horrible. Women come in here and are pregnant, emotional and you need to take that into consideration." Something along those lines. Now, I wish I wasn't pregnant and emotional so I could have been a little more stern and firm in what I was saying. I could have kept going, but I knew I would start to cry.

This may not sound like a big deal so far... but that's because I haven't shared the first encounter with Dr. Pompous. And it still may not seem like a big deal when that part comes up. But I will never forget it. So... he continues on his speech of greatness and how they just want to make sure everything is ok (which I totally get) and that when I come in, they'll just tell me how they don't like my blood sugar levels and what they can do to fix it. Oh... that's all? You'll just tell me again how much I'm not doing a good job? What good is that going to do? This guy seriously has zero bedside manner or the slightest touch of personal concern for his patients. Then he continues to go on and say where they like to see numbers (at a 5.5 A1c) and that he wouldn't induce me any earlier than 40 weeks. This was all news to me! All of my previous doctors suggested an A1c of about 6.5 and inducing between 38 and 39 weeks. I was starting to get irritated because he talks like he knows everything... and maybe he does. Maybe he is the smartest doctor in the state of Utah and I'm blowing off everything he's saying. I would normally take these words into consideration... as I trust most of my doctors and their medical opinions. But this guy was very different. He was rude. He didn't care how I felt. It was all data and facts to him. This is how it is. This is how it should be. You aren't doing your best.

I questioned some of Dr. Pompous' "facts" and he would elaborate... but I got to the point where I really didn't listen anymore. He had told me with Baby 2 that she was the perfect size. That he didn't think she'd be too big or too small... that everything looked good. This was all after he had insulted me. But... Baby 2 was 9 pounds and 3 ounces. I don't know about anyone else, but I would say that's a little large... Any doctor could have made the same assumption as he. But I just don't trust the guy. At all. Maybe he is right... but I will take the advice of my regular OB doctor (who is amazing and I love!), as he is someone I trust. Someone who hasn't offended me or made me feel like dirt.

Anyhow... let's wrap this rant up... Dr. Pompous did say he apologized for making me feel bad last time. The apology however, didn't feel sincere. He continued to go on and on about how things should look and what studies have shown, blah, blah, blah. I didn't dare tell him what my last A1c was, as that would have started a whole other conversation of "that's unacceptable". He concluded his speech with "Because you have two people to think about now." Well no shit! (My apologies for the cursing). I wanted to be sarcastic and respond by "Really??? There are??? Well, gee, I had never thought about that before." Then he turns to us and asks, "So... was this time better?" I paused for a second and said... "Umm... a little. Still not great." He just laughed. He helped me up off the table and said we'd see each other again in 5 weeks. We sure as heck won't. All other ultrasound consult appointments after this will be with one of the other doctors. They actually know how to talk to their patients.

So... after a fun, exciting time of finding out what we are having, this doctor had to come and ruin all the excitement. Put a downer on things. What a way to leave an appointment. Having a child is an exciting time! For most. It is special, it is fun, but it is also very stressful and concerning when you have a medical condition. The last thing a doctor should do is leave you feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and crying. But... that is just my opinion. I told him to watch how he says things... but not to sugar-coat anything either. I want to know what is expected... but don't tell me how horrible I am doing if I am TRYING! That is all I can do. Give me support. Give me encouragement. Not a harsh lashing out (most of the lashing was the first meeting with him... I'll get to that in another post).

As my husband and I gathered our things, I got a little teary-eyed. I swear it's the pregnancy. I wasn't that upset, but just wish Dr. Pompous wasn't such a jerk. My husband agreed. And my husband rarely gets offended or upset over anything. I tried to shake everything off and made my way back to the receptionist desk to schedule my next appointment.

A learning experience... don't let others expect you to be perfect. Nobody is! It is hard enough being a diabetic. But throwing a pregnancy in the mix is much more difficult. All I can do is try. And try harder. But the truth of it is... sometimes your body does unexpected things, especially during pregnancy. Mine has. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to do what is best for my baby. Why would I do something intentional to hurt or hinder the growth of this sweet babe? I wouldn't! So I will move forward... staying positive in knowing that I am doing what I can. And that's all I can do.

First Post... Here We Go :)

Welcome! I have thought about starting this blog for a long time now and am finally getting around to it. Hooray! Go me. As mentioned in my "About this Blog", I am eager to share my experiences with living with Type 1 Diabetes and how frustrating it can be. I do not want this to turn into a "poor me" blog, so I am going to make it positive as well. Let's face it, diabetes isn't something people look forward to having. But it has definitely been a life-changing experience and I am trying to learn from every experience I've had thus far... good and bad.

Because I've been thinking about starting this blog for so long, I've got a LOT on my mind and have a lot to share. I hope I can clearly express my thoughts... Be patient, as I'm going to have to post in sections, as I have a lot of back-telling to do.

Again, my hope is that someone... anyone... will stumble across this thing and think, "Oh... you mean I'm not the only one who thinks that?" or "You mean you have high blood sugars too?"... All too often I have had doctors tell me one thing or another about diabetes. I have total respect for most doctors and their knowledge on the disease... but I think LIVING with diabetes is very different than reading or studying about it. Anyone agree? I can read and study and get a medical degree in "Being a Man"... but will I ever really KNOW what it's like to be one? Probably not. I do, however, trust and will fully take in any advice and recommendations a respectable doctor may have.

One doctor in particular is what motivated me to start this blog. I hate to admit it though, because he was a complete jerk and can't stand the thought of him. I'll elaborate more on that in future posts - get excited. :) I just saw him for the second time ever today for an ultrasound. Yep... I am expecting. This is my 3rd pregnancy (and an unexpected one at that). I don't think the thought of this blog would have come up if it wasn't for that jerk doctor and my pregnancies. Being diabetic and pregnant is hard stuff! And I'm hoping someone else out there knows that. Not just knows... but has experienced it. Lived it. And when you are living with both of those life-changing events... what you need most is support from others. And probably a blog for some venting...